“Single’s Awareness Day: Nothing But Solo Video Game Characters”
10 min read
It is Valentine’s Day.
Today may be a day of celebration for you or it may just be another day, but if it’s a day that finds you down in the dumps, know that The Pixels and video game icons have got your back. We’re celebrating all the lonely people in video games, just the characters and their weapons of choice, nobody else. I also took the liberty of recommending a song for each character about unrequited love, heartbreak, loneliness, and strength in solitude.
There’s a playlist you can enjoy here.
Have a day.
Link ❤️ Master Sword
“All By Myself” by Eric Carmen
Look! It’s a bird, it’s a fish, it’s a princess, no… it’s Link’s odd selection of quasi-love interests?
Doom Guy ❤️ every weapon possible
“Dust In The Wind” by Kansas
We have no idea what Doom Guy does to get his kicks other than blasting demons apart, but it might just be meditating on the frailty and brevity of life in the wee hours of the morning as he lightly touches the pillow on the other side of the bed.
Cloud ❤️ Buster Sword
“Bring Me To Life” by Evanescence
The ultimate emotionally-constipated hero, a moody, broody, frowny biscuit full of ooey-gooey planet-juice instead of Nutella, a self-conceited, swaggering braggart with the charisma of a cement block whose only appeal is a hyper-macho, prepubescent, overcompensatory facade that kids in Junior High think is what being an adult means. He took the personality of a real SOLDIER but none of his warmth or charm. If you think that’s harsh, dude deserves it. Cloud is a human tug-of-war between a gorgeous woman and Aeris, gals who want his Mako babies and all his can think of is the electric company.
Big Daddy ❤️ big drill
“Ocean Man” by Ween
Is there a Big Mommy? I rest my case.
Mega Man ❤️ Mega Buster
“Yours Truly, 2095” by Electric Light Orchestra
You can’t even name a Mega Man love interest. Roll is his sister, weirdo. Forever an Astro Boy and never an Astro Man.
Arthur Morgan ❤️ Lancaster Repeater
“Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd
I’m not trying to make people sad, I swear. But when I remembered this song, I saw those two crosses and I couldn’t not write this. Maybe the most perfect match on this list.
Earthworm Jim ❤️ Plasma Blaster
“Love Stinks” by the J. Geils Band
Of all the characters on this list, EWJ seems in many ways like he cares the least. Bro traveled across the whole dang galaxy fighting sentient trash bins, hellish cats, bounty hunting scarecrows, bungee jumping snots, shapeshifting puppies, lawyers, and an evil queen pulsating, bloated, festering, sweaty, puss-filled, malformed, slug-for-a-butt then loses Princess What’s-Her-Name to a pool of lava. He happily walks away with her crown, likely to the nearest pawn shop.
Kain Highwind ❤️ jumping frickin’ real high
“Nothing Compares 2 U” by Sinead O’Connor
The first love triangle in Final Fantasy history doesn’t end well for Kain the Dragoon, but then, it didn’t start well, either. He had no hope when Rosa had already so clearly given her heart to Cecil. A few spells of mind control later and Kain winds up alone on Mt. Ordeals. At least he looks cool.
Yuna ❤️ J-Pop
“Losing My Religion” by R.E.M.
The pendulum swing of Yuna’s bounce back story is shocking, to say the least. She goes from dutiful daughter, withdrawn, skirt almost to the ankles, crushed under the weight of bad religion to a dancing, singing pop artist with a costume from the back aisle of Party City. Hey, whatever you need to do to get over the dreamboat, girl. Spoilers: he has a date with a landmine, anyway.
Solid Snake ❤️ a gun he found on the ground
“Hurt” by Johnny Cash
When it comes to video game characters and romance, there are few figures as tragic as this lone wolf, er… snake. Flub his torture scene and you wind up riding into the sunset with an anime nerd who won’t shut up about Gundam and Crunchyroll instead of Meryl. He even gets older faster than everybody else. Dude can’t catch a break.
Riku ❤️ Soul Eater
“I Can’t Make You Love Me” by Bonnie Raitt
In this love triangle, the brunette went for the clown shoes instead of the silver-haired bad boy, but that didn’t stop Riku from being even badder. Despite his boyish good looks, edgy persona, and a weapon called SOUL EATER, he spends his time buddying around with Mickey Mouse. There may be a pattern here: the higher the coolness factor of the Square Enix character, the worst chance they have finding love.
Ness’ Dad ❤️ phone calls
“Call Me, Call Me” by Steve Conte & Yoko Kanno
It’s not enough to send money or call me the day after my birthday, dad. What about all the circuses you never took me to? I mean, Ness. Not me. Whoops.
The Wind Fish ❤️ an almost impenetrable shell
“Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith
Feelings bottled up so tight that the only thing capable of reaching him is the power of music. He don’t wanna miss a thing, but he also don’t wanna put hisself out there.
Nidoking ❤️ toxic masculinity
“Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls
We can’t automatically assume just because there’s a Nidoqueen that Nidoking has no love problems. The King doesn’t exactly seem like the cuddly, emotionally honest type. He just wants to keep playing the game thinking he’s a true heavyweight like Charizard or Snorlax when he wasn’t even a top pick in Red or Blue. He can’t admit that Poison is a terrible Pokémon type.
Metroid ❤️ this ball she found on a statue
“Andromeda” by Gorillaz
I’m not sure she wants to know what love is. This intergalactic bounty hunter seems perfectly content to be a powerful, independent woman who would probably give you a disgusted look for those Zero Suit Samus Smash Bros. screenshots saved on your Switch.
Kirby ❤️ bottomless appetite
“Addicted To Spuds” by Weird Al Yankovic
Food: A Love Story might be Kirby’s favorite book. I’m not sure that Kirby has any real problems, nevermind love problems. We could all aspire to be more like Kirby. Now pass the chocolate-covered strawberries.
Bowser ❤️ an army of reptiles and ethnic slurs
“Peaches” by Jack Black
Although it began with Mario’s first RPG, the recent movie did wonders for developing Bowser’s obsession with Princess Peach and his struggles with insecurity and unrequited love. It also gave us the greatest love ballad in gaming history. Admit it, you saw that image and you already have “Peaches” stuck in your head again.
Midna ❤️ tutorials
“Torn” by Natalie Imbruglia
What a glow up! Midna goes from a naggy little goblin to a voluptuous Jessica Rabbit, and while Twilight Princess toys with the idea of romance between Link and this woman of another world, she’s ultimately torn between two kingdoms. Even if the flame was there, there’s nothing they could do about it. It’s the bye-rule of Hyrule.
Tom Nook ❤️ money
“Can’t Buy Me Love” by the Beatles
Even rich people get lonely, right? I dunno, I’ve never been rich. While Tom Nook is wealthy enough to buy up private islands, maybe he did it all for the– ah well.
Bimmy & Jimmy Lee ❤️ these hands
“Jessie’s Girl” by Rick Springfield
Just a couple of bros who look like they could bring back mullets and the 1980’s male crop top. On occasion, though, they’ve fought each other over a mutual girl-who-is-a-friend. Sometimes brothers gotta hug. Sometimes they gotta resort to base animal instincts. My money’s on Bimmy simply because of that doofus name.
Lavos ❤️ big fire
You might feel like an eons-old cosmic horror that has passed through endless lightyears in search of life, and if that’s you, you’ve got a friend in Lavos, the nurturing, cultivating, evolution-inspiring space entity that just wanted a family of his own. Unfortunately, Lavos landed in the wrong game. His true soul mate is Jenova and I won’t take any questions at this time, thank you.
the hot non-romanceable NPC in every farm sim ❤️ being unavailable
“You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon
You can’t order what’s not on the menu. You don’t walk into a Taco Bell and try to buy something that won’t give you diarrhea. In exactly the same way, even in a game about wooing bachelors and bachelorettes by giving them a flower every day for a year, there are simply characters that are unavailable. No, you can’t marry the mayor or the elven blacksmith.
Raiden ❤️ cybernetic ninja body and flexibility
“Hit The Road Jack” by Ray Charles
I just love Ray Charles.
Tia ❤️ a whip
“Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood
The hero takes off with his magical wife and the childhood sweetheart simply disappears from the story. Tia could still put that whip to good use. Does Maxim own a truck?
Superman 64 Superman ❤️ an N64 controller
“Kryptonite” by 3 Doors Down
While the N64 might have had the worst controller Nintendo’s ever put out, look on the bright side! At least it also had the worst Superman game. Rumor has it that Harrison Ford learned aviation from studying Superman 64.
Quistis ❤️ also a whip
“Hot For Teacher” by Van Halen
One of the weirder Final Fantasy love triangles, which is really saying something, VIII found a teacher with hots for her own student, which screams all kinds of inappropriate but hey at least there’s that coolness factor again. A gun AND a sword?! Wow!
Rathalos ❤️ being a dragon
“Sex on Fire” by Kings of Leon
We might think that being a dragon means getting everything that you want but it often means sleeping alone on a big pile of dwarven treasure. Rathalos may be looking for his Rathian, but a hard exterior, raging temper tantrums, and a severe case of halitosis can’t be helping his cause.
Lord Raptor ❤️ vaguely anthropomorphic zombie guitar
“Go Your Own Way” by Fleetwood Mac
Darkstalkers’ zombie musician unlives the unlife of a rockstar but behind that rotting exterior un-beats a heart that unfeels. Hsien-Ko may have a thing for Raptor, and vice versa, at least according to the lore, but lore doesn’t mean a whole lot in a game where the object is to beat the ever-un-living crap out of each other!
Naked Snake ❤️ makeup
“Snake Eater” by Tiffany Mann and the 8-bit Band
I bet you think I’m going to take advantage of all the possible innuendo here, and a lesser mage certainly would, but you’ll get no such pleasure from me!
Tron Bonne ❤️ an army of servbots
“I Hate Myself for Loving You” by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
All kinds of bad boys pepper this list, but what about bad girls? Tron Bonne comes from a crime family of pirates and she commands an army of thieving robots, but one look at Megaman Volnutt’s baby blues and she’s suddenly thrown into a hell of internal conflict. She becomes an anti-heroine in her own way but her misadventures bring out the best in her: faithfulness, loyalty, love, and a giant frickin’ mech.
Tifa ❤️ her fists and bad taste in men
“Just The Way You Are” by Billy Joel
We might fight about literally everything when it comes to Final Fantasy, but we should all be in agreement that Cloud doesn’t deserve a friend like Ms. Lockhart. Her taste in men? Questionable, and likely also the same as her taste in cement blocks.
Pac-Man ❤️ Power Pellets
“You and Me” by Lifehouse
Many of the characters on this list have loved without being loved in return, but in the case of Pac-Man, we find a character who has loved and lost. Little known fact: Ms. Pac-Man was originally not a Ms. but a Mrs. You do the math, he pays the alimony. Shouldn’t’a hit the power pellets so hard, big guy.
Sonic ❤️ this kiss
“This Kiss” by Faith Hill
This post had a happy ending after all! Our data shows that Sonic the Hedgehog has been drawn kissing more frequently than any other character in gaming history, but it all comes down to This Kiss, the time Sonic smooched a human and she spent the rest of her day picking hair out from her teeth. Hopefully we’ll see this scene reenacted in the next movie.
Red formerly ran The Well-Red Mage and now serves The Pixels as founder, writer, editor, and podcaster. He has undertaken a seemingly endless crusade to talk about the games themselves in the midst of a culture obsessed with the latest controversy, scandal, and news cycle about harassment, toxicity, and negativity. Pick out his feathered cap on Twitter @thewellredmage or Mage Cast.
