Soulsland (2022) [Switch] review

“I do not have time for things that have no soul.”
– Charles Bukowski

I am a sucker for From Software’s Souls games. I have platinum trophies in Demon’s Souls (PS3), Dark Souls, Dark Souls II: Scholar of the First Sin, Dark Souls III, Bloodborne, Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice, Demon’s Souls (PS5), and Elden Ring. It’s safe to say that I consider these games to be my favorite series, and I’m always eager to dive into a new playthrough or enter a discussion concerning them. For me and the other sickos who enjoy this particular brand of action RPG, there is something special about From’s output that is compelling, evocative, and uniquely engaging. Many have imitated the Souls formula in recent years, but few manage to capture bizarre magic that draws us into Lordran, Yarnham, or the Lands Between.

I feel confident in saying that magic is absent from Soulsland, a piece of software that could charitably be called a game. Soulsland caught my attention on the Nintendo Store for two reasons: it was on sale for $1.99, and it had “Souls” in the title. I told you I was a sucker! At such a bargain, I assumed I had nothing to lose. The description was clearly not translated into English by a fluent speaker, but that doesn’t bother me—whoever wrote it almost certainly understands English better than I understand his primary language, and plenty of outstanding games have featured shoddy localization. The screenshots looked terrible, and it wasn’t much of a leap to assume this game was made on a shoestring budget. Nevertheless, I was ready to take the plunge.

Who Needs a Thoughtfully Designed World?

Upon starting Soulsland, I was greeted with an unlabeled level select menu. Shades of Mega Man, perhaps? Alas, that would be wishful thinking. I could choose to begin my adventure in a dungeon, grassland, iceland (not to be confused with Iceland), sci-fi factory, dark forest, forest (presumably less dark), harbour, dry desert, farm town, cave, waterland, skyland, or temple. These settings are not connected in any way whatsoever. Thinking it best to start at the beginning, I chose the dungeon.

As it turns out, the dungeon was a series of stone tiles, railings, and stairways that are floating in the air. Enemies were about, and I set to my task of dispatching them. Some had swords or clubs and would lunge at me, while others were more devious (in that their animations did not match their actions). The most interesting foes would draw a bow, aim at me, and then swing their swords to take me out. Fortunately, most enemies don’t seem to notice the player’s presence, even when they are being killed.  Defeating an enemy causes it to stand still for a second before it simply ceases to be on the screen (“disappears” seems like too active a word to describe what these enemies do upon defeat).

I ran into a bonfire, which I would not have known if text saying “Bonfire” had not appeared in the middle of the screen. Resting at bonfires in Dark Souls games allows players to refill estus flasks (healing items), fast travel, and sometimes level up by expending souls, though doing so also causes enemies to respawn. In Soulsland, our hero is healed and his health potion is refilled, but there are no leveling options, and enemies do not respawn.

Other levels commit to their themes: iceland is frozen, temple has a temple, and sci-fi factory looks like a space station from a particularly cramped sci-fi action game circa 2000. The sci-fi aesthetic clashes starkly with the medieval low-fantasy characters, but at this point, who even cares? At least there is a fire alarm in an enclosed room with a bonfire.

Each level concludes with a fight against Lord Zaiden, who is apparently very bad but not particularly dangerous to us. Upon defeating him, we can visit a small grave marker cross. Interacting with it informs us that souls have been saved, at which point we are taken back to the level select screen.

No Function, No Fun

Soulsland is billed as an RPG, though its RPG elements are minimal. The character creation process is simple: you don’t get to create a character. Your warrior can be customized by squinting really hard and pretending he is someone else. I never found a way to level up, and gear is obtained through pressing a button on the D-Pad, which will cycle through various weapons. At your disposal are various weapons, including a sword, which has a light attack and a heavy attack; a greatsword, which has a light attack but no heavy attack; dual blades, which cause you to move acrobatically but don’t seem to harm enemies; and a bow, which is difficult to fire and deals no damage to enemies other than Lord Zaiden. Yes, it seems that the only weapon worth using is the default sword.

Perhaps the worst offender in all of Soulsland is its control scheme. A Souls game is a joy in the hand. Nimble dodges lead to satisfying counterattacks. Weighty weapon swings initiate with deliberate squeezes of the shoulder buttons. Every input must have meaning. The only control scheme available to players of Soulsland on the Switch is nonsensical in the extreme. The R button doesn’t attack; it causes the player to roll. The L button doesn’t use the weapon or shield in the left hand; it uses a consumable item.  The Y button is a light attack, the ZR button is a strong attack, and the A button performs a block. If Soulsland were challenging at all, these non-customizable controls would be quite frustrating. As it stands, they simply remove the possibility of enjoying the act of playing this game.

Just Let it Die Edition

The presentational elements of Soulsland do nothing to elevate it from its quagmire of ineptitude. Character models and textures would feel at home in a game developer starter kit. Textures are blurry and lack even the most basic details. Lighting is flat, and environmental details are particularly hideous. Whereas most Souls games use music sparingly and to great effect, Soulsland has annoying tunes playing constantly, to the effect of making me wish it had no music at all.

I feel like I’m punching down in this review, but Soulsland is probably the worst game I’ve ever played. It seems like a project made by a fledgling developer, just beginning to learn to use their development tools, which was accidentally released onto Steam and Switch. Upon closer inspection, however, the developers behind this game have released quite a few shovelware titles prior to this. Soulsland descends from the pedigree of games such as Mustache Politics Zombie Shooter, Lawnmower Game: Mortal Race, and Gangsta Woman!

I didn’t expect Soulsland to be good, and it still managed to disappoint me. It is no less than the worst game I’ve ever played, and it’s not a particularly close contest. We’ve come a long way from the Nintendo Seal of Quality, and perhaps it’s time to revisit that notion. Well-intentioned indie games are released to obscurity each week because they are buried beneath shovelware nonsense like Soulsland. This game is hideous, barely functional, and not at all fun. It barely even qualifies as a game.