Broforce (2015)

“Wat killed de dinosauws? …ME!”
-Arnold Schwarzenegger as himself

 
 
Rage Mage Reviews!
FINALLY a game I can get into! Broforce assembles a dream team of action-hero dudebros to “liberate” foreign countries, rescue POWs, seek out WMDs, blow up frickin’ terrorists, and overthrow the Devil, the ultimate terrorist. Y’know, just another average day in American foreign policy, bros.
Get used to that because everything is bro-talk in this game. And if any of the above listed aspects of gameplay in some way offend your “global-minded” 2016 sensibilities, then I can safely say… that you will still enjoy playing Broforce anyway. I did and I hate everything. It’s Broforce’s psychotic, over-the-top hyperbole which soaks its tired social commentary in actual entertainment that results in something so offensive it’s silly, something so on point that it’s laughable.

Broforce takes everything you sadomasochists love about hyper-macho action hero movies of the 80’s and 90’s (the game takes place in ’93), and transplants those silver screen icons into an imperialist America takeover. What more could a pathologically angry mage want?

Each time you die (which you will, because you suck), you automatically switch to a different “bro”. Bros can also be rescued from imprisonment and you’ll unlock new bros by rescuing as many as you can. Each bro is a classic action movie hero played by the likes of Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Van Damme, Willis, Norris, Eastwood,  and other now septuagenarian has-beens. There’s Rambo, Robo Cop, Terminator, Predator, Indiana Jones, Blade, McGuyver, and the list goes on. Except, of course, patriotism demands they shoe-horn in the word “bro”…

The game plays like a classic run and gun with a feel that’s reminiscent of arcade games and visuals hearkening back to a more pixelated era. Bros can select between campaigns of varying difficulty or an arcade mode to cut out all the useless crap like “narrative” and get straight to the manslaughter.
A three-dimensional world globe serves as the hub for accessing missions in foreign countries, while a meathead general gives you your briefings. It doesn’t really matter where the mission takes place. All you need to know is they’re in some foreign lands that aren’t America, and that probably hate freedom. Probably. Broforce proves once and for all that Americans know nothing about global geography because we simply don’t care.

The objectives in each stage are to raise the stars and stripes as checkpoints, rescue imprisoned bros earning you extra lives, and obliterating anything that moves until you reach the end of the level where a helicopter awaits. Area “Liberated”.

The bros (and brodettes) have some unique weaponry and the best part is finding out how perfect some of their abilities are based on the movies they came from. As an example, Neo from The Matrix can down red pills to catch bullets and deflect them. The Predator turns invisible and uses its shoulder-mounted laser. William Wallace screams “FREEDOM”.

Broforce isn’t merely about curb-kicking the civilized world under the boot of freedom. You’ll face off against terrorists and also xenomorphs ripped right out of Aliens, and eventually the Devil himself. Broforce has a long campaign ahead for you but it’s addictive and adrenaline-pumping, and I can’t believe I’m saying this: I liked playing it more than making fun of it.
WHO AM I?!

 
 
The 8-bit Review
Visuals: 7/10
That slob Red Mage would probably wax pretentious and spew some crap about how Broforce “captures the charm and timelessness of the 16-bit era of gaming”. Heck with that. There’s no “charm” here. Just napalm, gasoline, mud and metal. I say its visuals serve its purpose. They’re visceral, gory, ultra-violent, ugly, explosive. The deformed bodies of the bros remind me why I don’t work out. I’d rather be a bulbous, misshapen meatbag than a meatbag that got bulbous and misshapen from having to workout…

Audio: 7/10
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0qlgvsQ9_o&w=560&h=315]
There’s enough high-octane shredding packed into this OST to make “Through The Fire And Flames” seem like an old nanny knitting doilies by a cozy fire. You can burn those old AC/DC and Black Sabbath vinyls, nana, ’cause Broforce will rock you. And whatever doesn’t neatly fit into the “classic rock” category is nightmarish, horrifying, ambience. The kind of noise I listen to as my multiple aneurysms lull me to sleep each night.
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TW01ZPArMz0&w=560&h=315]
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4YUQBWV-hfI&w=560&h=315]
Gameplay: 7/10
Because you have an addiction to gaming on the level of a heroin junkie, you’ll probably think of Metal Slug when playing Broforce. You should seriously get help. Like you could afford it.
Switching bros is cool and all every time you die or have to rescue one for an extra life. You’ll need to rescue as many as possible so as not to be made fun of, and to unlock all the bros in the game. Crappy thing is sometimes you’ll be stuck with one of the worst bros on a boss or something, on your last life. You get stiffed with Conan the Barbarian or the Highlander. It spells instant doom. Too bad there’s no way to cycle through the bros manually rather than change randomly and be forced to learn each skill set. Too bad you can’t just punch in a cheat code and be done with the game. Too bad I don’t have the frijoles to smash my PS4 with a sledgehammer and forget about this whole thing.

Oh yeah and I guess I need to mention, for the sake of this site being about “in-depth reviews” (like anybody cares), that the environments are destructible in all of the stages. Yep, you can finally pay back Mother Earth for leaving dad for another man by blowing big craters into her sides. This inevitably changes your approach to each stage and challenge, opening up a whole range of freedom of movement.

Accessibility: 9/10
Lesser plebians and trollops not unlike yourselves might be a bit confused by some of the more obtuse special bro abilities. It’s nothing trial and error can’t fix, just like your dating life.
Challenge: 8/10
Infinite lives go a long way to take the edge off of Broforce. Though there is the Ironbro mode that makes the death of each bro permanent. Hard mode is fairly tough with enemies having better senses and offenses. Nothing impossible though. Hey, you could probably learn to tie your shoes before beating Broforce. Probably.

Replayability: 9/10
Something about Broforce makes it addicting, like self-deprecation and eating boogers. You know it’s socially awkward to eat whatever brown thing you find in your nose in Starbucks but you do it anyways. You know it isn’t good for you but you don’t really care in the long run. You just want to watch the world burn. THAT is Broforce.

Uniqueness: 10/10
I’ll be back. Dead or alive, you are coming with me. Get off my plane. Get to the chopper. ‘Do I feel lucky?’. Well, do ya, punk? Go ahead. Make my day. This is Sparta. You’re fired. Swallow this. Hasta la vista, baby. Hey, you wanna be a farmer? Here’s a couple of achers. Machete don’t text. I don’t step on toes… I step on necks. I never miss. You’re a disease… and I’m the cure. There can be only one. Yippee ki yay. Say hello to my little friend. Garbage day. Consider this a divorce. I am the law. Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen. I ain’t got time to bleed. Smile you sunnuva *bang*. Give me liberty or give me death. You know what happens to a toad when it’s struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else. And other lazy writing.

My Personal Grade: 7/10
Is Broforce Trump’s America? Or the one Hillary covers up? Important issues but who cares when its so awesome? I’m gonna blow this pissy blog and get back on Broforce right now. Can’t believe I spent some time praising a game here…

Aggregated Score: 8.0
 
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